The Mean Time

I haven't blogged about my life at present in a while because there is so much going on that I can't really talk about and also because Zack and I seem to be stuck in limbo right now. Lots of decisions to be made, a lot to think about. And we are thinkers. I don't mean we're smart (that goes w/out saying), but we have to think and discuss and hash over every minute decision we make until we ultimately drive ourselves crazy with it. We don't want to make the wrong decision, we don't want to be out of God's will, we don't want to be impetuous, we're scared. For whatever reason, we always like to take our time, work things through, and wait. And I don't think it's a bad thing necessarily, but lately it's starting to kill me. Lately I'm starting to think that sometimes faith is just stepping out and saying "I don't know, but I'll try." Dr. Mark Rutland preaches a sermon about when God told him to "Go to Ghana." He (God) didn't say how, He didn't say when, He just said Go. Dr. Rutland didn't even know what he would do once he got there--he had no contacts in Ghana. But God told him to go, and he just went, And God provided for Him every step of the way. That sounds so crazy in this day and age of technology--everything can be organized, planned, detailed, confirmed, all with minimal effort and leaving no room for the uncertain and unplanned. And often leaving no room for God to just be in control and for us to just depend on Him. And why should we? We can handle things ourselves.

Zack and I were recently hit hard with the news of a friend's death. He had cancer, but we had been praying and fasting for him for a while. His cancer had gone into remission. Things were looking good for him. The chemotherapy had weakened his body's defenses, and when an infection set into his lungs, he wasn't able to fight it. We are devastated. And as I get ready to attend his viewing this evening and funeral tomorrow, I'm struck by the realization that any thoughts of control over our own lives are not only arrogant but naive. We only control what God allows us to. The rest is in His hands. As a bit of a control freak myself, that's a realization that's both terrifying and freeing. I'm not responsible for Tim's death. I prayed, I fasted, I quoted scripture, I did everything I knew how to do, and in the end, God did what He wanted to do anyway. I've always fought the urge to think But, I could've done more... The truth is that I don't want that kind of responsibility. At some point, God has to see my humanness and do His will in spite of my best efforts.

I want God to do His will in my life. Maybe this blog is more of a prayer than anything else. God, do what You want to do in my life, and don't let me get in the way with my selfish plans. Only, do it quickly, do it now. I'm growing weary of the meantime.