Changes

Wow. I haven't blogged in oh so long. Thanks, Ruthy, for commenting and reminding me I still HAVE a blog :). I've been thinking of revamping the layout and format (attempting to), so...more to come soon! :D

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful...beautiful boys.

My sweet babies are getting so big. Today Kaden brought me a blanket and said we had to hide from the bad guys so they don't shoot us. Maybe no more video games with Daddy for a while. I want them to stay innocent and sweet and fearless forever. Allen's been doing this fun thing where he listens to our conversations and brings them up to other people. Yesterday in speech (I watch from behind the glass) when Mrs. Kay showed Allen a picture of a car, he said "Daddy should have put gas in momma's car...she be late!" They moved onto another subject, and I decided I shouldn't yell at Zack on the phone on the way to speech anymore.

Reinventor

I'm thinking of reinventing myself. Does that sound pretentious? It is...well, not entirely. I stumbled across a blog today that caught me off-guard, and has started me thinking about who I am and who I want to be.

Younger Whitney didn't picture 28-year-old Whitney where I am now. That's because I never thought about who I'd be at 28 years old. At best guess, I would have said I'd be married, have children, and...well, that's all. I didn't give much thought to the kind of person I would be.

Today, as I read the blog about a woman's life that was devasted by a plane crash, I found myself wondering, as I often do about these kinds of circumstances, what would be my response to such a tragedy? Would I be able to put one foot in front of the other after having seen loved ones die? Would I be able to serve a God who allowed me to live, even if I now lived with the memory of loss, and was reminded of that loss every time I looked at the scars on my own face in the mirror? The blog was filled with gratitude and humor and vulnerability and honesty and love.

Who am I? The girl who's first response when her car breaks down is "It figures! Of course this would happen to me! Why can't I catch a break?" That's not who I want to be anymore. I find myself complaining and whining about the silliest things, and it even sounds gross to me. I hear myself making excuses for why I don't pour myself into the things I love, and why I'm not good enough to be who I want to be, and I've grown tired of what I hear.

Today I'll reinvent myself. I'm going to start being a friend, and a good one. No more "I don't have time for people," because people are all that matter. I'm going to stop letting fear of imperfection stop me from doing the things I love. I may not be the best, and that's going to be okay. I'm going to...and here's a biggy for me...be CONTENT. No more thinking in/planning for the future and wishing for all those good things to come my way, b/c in the meantime, I'm missing what's happening now. I want to be happy and grateful for what I have now, even if it's not the best I'll ever have. Appreciate what's happening at this very moment...because I'll never get it back again. I'm going to let things go. Life's too short to be that guy who can't let it go anymore, and I don't wanna be.

So...Don't be surprised if you don't recognize me anymore. I'm changing. :)

Textured Control

What I wouldn't give for sharper pencils, no eraser
And for the little pieces to fall magically in place
So I don't cut off edges with what's broken from my heart
And press them in and work them out at a shaky-handed pace.

What I wouldn't give for all my questions to be swallowed
By a fuzzy, knotty sweatshirt with a mustard stain on front
And I'd never reason out of all it's warmth and objectivity
And never wonder why it doesn't smell like what I thought.

If dull is what you're after,
You can have this pencil when I'm done
But if you'd like to place a tag on unrequited dreams
I'll take mine in small/petite,
Just keep your answers short and sweet
And give me endless seas of crispy pages, no frayed edges, please.

Forget-Me-Not

Remember Dory from Finding Nemo? She had short-term memory loss, which affected everything she did. If you're like me, watching that movie, you really started to feel for Dory...especially because you understood her pain to a certain degree. I've had a bad memory for as long as I can remember...=) Well, I guess it's not terrible...just sort-of selective. Like, I will literally tune people out when they start to talk to me about dates or times of things, birthdays, appointments--really, anything specific I will completely ignore unless I have my calendar in front of me or have a pen and paper in my hand. I will literally stop people if they try to tell me specific things I know they'll expect me to know later if I can't get it in writing right then. And it's not that I'm being rude or stubborn or anything...I just know myself by now, and I know that if I can't visually see something, I will not remember it.

Now, I know you would normally equate a bad memory with not being smart, but I've always done really well in school considering this memory deficiency. That's because, almost without fail, if I see something written down, I will remember it. I always consider myself a good test-taker for this reason. I can remember answers on tests, and it's almost always by visualizing where on the page I read it, or where the answer was in relationship to a picture on the page or how it looked jotted in my notebook. This might be a pretty common thing, but it's seemed to cause me quite a bit of trouble in my life, especially when dealing with people who don't understand my braindicap (I also have a love of combining words, but that's another issue altogether), but also in my spiritual life.

I've had a recent epiphany that being a Christian is both really hard and really simple. See, once you learn the truth about who God is...not who people SAY He is, but who He REALLY is...it's really pretty simple. God created you so He could love you, and so you could love Him. And once the depths of what He went through to prove His love to you really starts to sink in, it's inevitable...you can't HELP but love Him. You trust Him because you know He wouldn't do anything that isn't good for you. You believe in Him, because He starts to speak to you quietly when you listen, and then you start to love Him even more as you learn about who He is...and that's what being a follower of Christ is all about. Simple, right? But here's where things get hard...Remember what I said earlier about my memory? It's bad. If I can't see it, it's really easy for me to forget...in fact, it's inevitable...I'm going to forget.

I recently had a time in my life of just, almost...despair. I wondered to a friend how it was all going to work out. My friend gently reminded me of a post I'd written that talked all about how I knew things would work out because God was in control. Oh. Right! It was a little embarrassing to have to be reminded of something I knew enough to post on my blog. But the truth is that...I forget. I forget that God's in control of my life. I forget that He loves me and wants what's best for me...that the sole purpose in His allowing me to take another breath is so that He can love me and so that I can love Him. I forget that He knows me...He's taking care of me...I can trust Him. It's hard because I can't see it...I can't visualize it...I can't see HIM. But I know it's true.

I used to struggle with the thought that there are so many other religions out there...so many other people claiming they know the truth. I always used to wonder how people would be able to tell the difference between what's true and what's a lie. I know the Bible is true, but the guy sitting next to me on the bus was taught that it's just a book of fairy tales...how will he ever know the truth? I posed this question once to my husband, and I'll never forget what he said. The reason people can tell the truth from the lies is that all of us--whether we believe it or not--were created by God. And God made us in His image. And inside every one of us is some part of God. (I know this is true, because we can't even love God or come to Him without His help.) Similarly, we can't decipher the truth unless we have some truth, some piece of God (the Holy Spirit) in us (all humans) that, when we allow it, helps us see the truth. How is it that there is something in every person that recognizes beauty? We see a beautiful mountain, and we say "beautiful"--and not only that, but a million other people, from any nation, in any language would look at that same mountain and say "beautiful." How are we born with the recognition of beauty? It's built in. How do we know the truth about God being real? It's built in. People know it, whether they want to admit it or not. There is something inside us all, when we allow ourselves to hear the truth, and we are very honest with ourselves, that bears witness with our spirit. We know in our "knower" what the truth is. Now, we can harden our hearts...we can ignore the truth enough times that we no longer see or hear the truth as truth...but it's there nonetheless...

So, I guess the point of this post is to remind myself that God is in control of my life and my circumstances. I just have to remember it...

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Zack and I led worship at church last week. We decided to sing the old hymn "Great Is Thy Faithfulness." And I could not even get the words out. I just stood there on stage, bawling like a baby. The words hit me so hard, and all I could do was think of my 2 little boys, and what a miracle they are to us.

"Great is Thy faithfulness, oh God, my Father.
There is no shadow of turning with Thee.
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not.
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.
Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning, new mercies I see.
All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me."

So much truth. Morning after morning, I look into the faces of my little angels and marvel at God's faithfulness to me. Even when I am so unfaithful to Him, morning after morning, His mercies are new. All I have ever needed, His hand has provided. What a beautiful, faithful God.

Summer of Change...and Uncertainty

I've found myself saying it a lot over the past several months: "Once summer's here..."

Like, "Once summer's here, the adoption will be final," or "Once the summer's here, daddy will be home all day," or "We're moving this summer," "We'll go see Mickey Mouse this summer," "We'll find out if we can get the house this summer," and lately, "Hopefully I'll get my job back this summer."

There are so many things happening, changing this summer, that they'd be hard to list over just a few short months on a calendar. Or maybe it's the fact that they're just big in scale--monumental milestones in my life--maybe that's what makes them feel like so much. Like, by the end of this summer, the adoption of our 2 little boys should be final. By then it will have been almost 1 year since we started this journey. 1 year of worrying, praying, wondering, believing....waiting. By the end of the summer (I hope), Zack and I can take an enormous exhale, and worship our God for His faithfulness to us.

I recently got laid off from my job. And at any other job I've ever had, I can't imagine myself even caring. But this one's been sort-of like a dream job for me. I get to write creatively, work mostly from home so I can be home with my boys, and I'm friends with the people I work with. I found out about the lay-off the day after we made an offer on our dream house, so...the timing seemed really bad. I've been told there's a good possibility I'll get hired back this summer, and, since we made an offer on a house that's a short sale, it'll take the bank a while before we find out if our offer's accepted, and by then, I may have my job back. So, the timing has to be exact. I have to have been working again for 30 days (so I can have 30 days worth of pay stubs) before closing. It's all a little crazy, but we feel like if this is what God wants, it'll work out perfectly. If not, we may be homeless at the end of the summer when our lease is up at our apartment =/

Last weekend I turned 28...yup, 28 years old. Sounds so old. Closer to 30 than to 25. Ive been trying not to think about it too much, and it helped that we spent my birthday taking the boys on their first trip to Disney World. They had such a blast...and it was the most fun trip to the Magic Kingdom I've had since I was a kid. Since they'd never been before, they didn't really know what to expect, which I think is why they hardly said a word for the first hour or 2. They just sat quietly in the rides with their mouths hanging open. It was so cute. It was one of those trips I don't really have anymore as an adult...one where I'm sad to go home at the end. The Disney trip was something we'd planned to do later in the summer, but since Kaden's only free for a couple more weeks (when he'll turn 3!), and I got in free for my birthday, we decided to go early. We had a great time. No crowds. No rain. It was the perfect summer trip. Now I can cross that one off my "Once the summer comes" list of things to do.

Among other things happening this summer, Zack and Kaden have birthdays (so, 2 parties that need planning), Zack is changing to another school, he'll be home all summer (which I'm very excited about), he's hiking the Grand Canyon again with his dad, we're running a fireworks tent in a new location, I'm writing a screen play with my boss, my in-laws are coming down for a reunion/vacation, we're going to my Aunt's house for a long weekend involving water slides, our church is throwing us a sort-of shower, we're going to attempt to open a new county in our DUI business, Zack will become the head coach of either track or cross-country at his new school, and we're starting and heading up a new young adult ministry at our church, as well as taking over children's church once a month. Did I leave anything out? Buying our first house, adopting 2 children, changing jobs...no, those are the high points. =)

This is certainly going to be an interesting, if not insane summer. My boss said he has a feeling good things are going to happen this summer, and, don't tell him I said so, but he tends to be right about things, so... Yeah, it's a summer of uncertainty, a summer of change. But I think good change is coming. Good things are on the horizon.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. '" --Jeremiah 29:11

Writer's Blog

So, every once in a while, I write a new post. It doesn't happen all that often anymore. A lot of times it's because I don't have time, but mostly it's because I haven't felt inspired in a while. Now, don't get me wrong, most of what I've written here on this blog wasn't birthed out of inspiration, but rather out of the guilt I feel when I hear my freshman creative writing teacher, Mrs. Saiid's words echoing in my head... "You have to write ALL the time, not just when you feel inspired!" That's where most of my posts come from...and the major reason when someone says they've been reading my blog, or more recently, have printed something off my blog, I feel slightly like I did in 2nd grade when my tight rolled pants would come undone as I ran across the playground: WAY more embarrassed than was necessary. So, to all of you who come here from time to time and read my stuff and think "Wow...was that incredibly boring and pointless, or am I just PMS-ing?" While the latter may be true, and feel free not to tell me if you are, I fear you may simply be accurate. And I have decided to just stop being embarrassed about this, and let you know that as an aspiring writer, it is important that I write not only when inspired, but in lieu of inspiration. That said, I think I may have just written an entire post about writing posts...I'm embarrassed already.

One Life to Love...

There's a song that plays on Christian radio right now...I don't even know who sings it. There are a handful of songs I wish I'd written. This is one of those songs. Usually I'm pretty critical of the cliche lyrics and overdone, generic melodies and hooks that run rampant on country music stations. I have no doubt it will be redone as a country song b/c it's a typical cookie-cutter country-style song. But I absolutely CANNOT hear it without crying at this one verse. It is so moving to me. Here's how that verse and the chorus go:

She never thought she cared so much about those little hands
That held on tight the day she left
Til she was scared to death
Sitting all alone on a hotel bed, the end of the road
The sun had set on her big plans
To feel young again
She picks up the phone, dials the number, hears that little voice
That's haunted every single mile, since she made that choice

You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life...
To love...

Anyway, kudos to 33 Miles (just looked up the band who sings this song) for speaking the truth. There are lots of people today just chasing a figment of happiness, and who will sadly never find it, wrecking their lives and the lives of others in the process. There's only One who brings true peace and happiness. And you only get one life to find that Love.

A Walk Down the Aisle

I walked down the soda aisle, trying to decide whether to buy diet or regular. It had become pretty much a daily routine for me, deciding between what I wanted and what I needed. I reached for a cherry Pepsi. I didn't mean to overhear them, but the second I did, it was too late.

"You told me it didn't matter to you, and now you're saying... Just like that?"

I would have mistaken it for a quiet argument between a middle-aged married couple on what brand of wine to buy for dinner had it not been for that unmistakable sound in her voice that gave her away...heartbreak. Before I could reason why, I was frozen, and my heart started pounding.

"I told you we shouldn't talk about this now...let's just grab the wine, take it to them, say our goodbye's, and we'll discuss this when we get home."
"I should have known...I should have known this would happen. How can I face them now? When my own husband..."
"Stop it! This is neither the time nor the--here, I'll grab the wine, you go to the restroom and compose yourself for God's sake." His voice was even less sympathetic than the words he spoke. I dared not flinch for fear I would spook them like a deer in the woods, and perhaps never find out how this tragedy ended.
"Compose myself? Ha! Now there's a summary of our marriage: Compose yourself, look pleasant, don't ruffle any feathers, don't FEEL anything!" Her voice gained confidence and volume.
"Okay, okay...look, I'm leaving...you can't have this discussion by yourself--"
"Why not? I've been having discussions by myself for 20 years...every one but this one...I didn't even attempt it, but it was the one conversation that mattered..." I leaned in hard now, I was in too far to walk away.
"Fine!" he yelled in a whisper, "You want to talk about this is the supermarket? Fine! But I'll tell you one thing, you won't like what I have to say!"

"Can I help you, ma'am?" I jumped, startled awake from the drama unfolding.
"Shhh!" I snapped before realizing.
"Excuse me?" I saw the teenage boy's expression turn from helpful to concerned...concerned he may have to call security.
"No, I...I'm sorry--"
"Why are you whispering?"
"Nothing, I'm fine...I was just trying to think--"
But then he heard it too, the shouted angry whispers of two people on the next aisle. And somehow it was the whispering that made you want to hear all the more.

"It's not the women, and it isn't even about children...it's that... I've just never been enough for you! And now that I've found something that makes me feel like--a human again...that's it?"

"Excuse me, could you tell me where I can find the hummus?"
"Ssshhhhh!" The boy and I snapped in unison.
"Wha...? I'm sorry, I--" But it was too late, the lady in the blue coat was now hearing what we were, and there was no time or need to explain. Toddler in cart, she leaned in with us, drawn by the sound of raw human emotion on the other side of the Sunkist.

"I can't have children...what do you want me to do? It's not possible...there!" His voice broke like a dam that had been under too much pressure for too many years. "Is that what you wanted from me? To take the blame? Okay, it's my fault you don't feel like a human, it's my fault what happened last May, it's my fault I'd rather be with another woman than face you and your eternal...disappointment!"

The lady in the blue coat's baby reached for a mini soda can and craddled it like a baby, unknowingly adding to the theme.

"You're right, this isn't the place for--" the woman softened.
"Oh no, you wanted it, you're gonna get it!"

...And then it happened. With all the force of a NY Yankee, the little girl, who couldn't have been more than 2, hurled that can of soda into the air. In slow motion, and surrounded by looks of horror, that little can was propelled farther than any of us imagined possible.
Up...up...over the aisle...announcing our presence there, and worse... heaping disdain on the brokenhearted couple just a couple of feet away. My immediate reaction was to run...like a teenager who'd just taken a prank too far, but my knees buckled, and a gasp was all I could muster.

"Pop!" The soda hissed and sprayed so high in the air, we could see it above the Perrier on the top shelf.
I thought I heard the woman wimper for a moment, but then I realized the sound coming from the aisle was a soft laughter. And out of nowhere it erupted into a full-out cackle, followed by uproarious, out-of-breath wheezing.
I imagined them looking into each others' eyes while they shared that strange, intimate, solemn but silly moment in the grocery store aisle. I wanted to look, but I didn't. I just gave a half smile to my two fellow evesdroppers, gave the child a nod of approval, and went on my way.

I've imagined many times since that day how the rest of the story played out. I've wondered the details of their story. Did they ever have children? Would their marriage last? Did they even make it to that dinner party? Though I never saw their faces, I imagine they left the supermarket that day with more than just wet clothes and sticky hair...they left with a fresh perspective. Life and relationships are defined as much by the funny, spontaneous moments as by the devastating, heartbreaking ones. And intimacy can be shared anywhere... even in a grocery store aisle, with the whole world listening in.