Laundry Piles and Hope.

As I write this, I am surrounded by piles upon piles of laundry. Some folded, some not. My house is sort-of a wreck actually. I've felt incredibly unmotivated lately, and today was not my day for changing that. It began at 7am with Kaden crying and yelling his head off that he didn't want Zack to leave for work. Zack was trying to console him while trying not to completely wake me up while trying to get out the door for work. I snuggled Kaden and told him just to go back to sleep--Daddy will be home before you know it to take you to soccer practice. It's early, come on...just close your eyes and let's...NO. He was awake and that was that.

So, I did what any good mother would do...I turned on some cartoons for him in the living room, and...went back to bed. Yep, I'm awesome. I usually sleep til 9:30-10:00 unless something goes terribly wrong. The boys barely bother to come to my room anymore in the mornings. They simply turn on the tv and hang out til I wake up, or until they get too hungry and wake me up to make breakfast or they start destroying things, and I get up instinctively. It's a good life, really.

So when Kaden came in around 10 and said "Mom, you make me breakfast? I starving!" I got up and started the steel cut oats on the stove and went for my morning bathroom routine. Then I got my laptop and looked up every early pregnancy symptom I could read about online like I had done the night before. Today is day 35 of my cycle. I have been speaking scripture over my body and my situation. It's been a long road so far. Next month will be 3 years since we started trying to have a baby. In the meantime, we've gotten two of the most wonderful children in the world through adoption. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but over the last 6 months or so, I've been struggling. Trying to figure out why and reason things out that I don't understand. My faith has been wavering to say the least. And I forgot about the oatmeal and burned it AGAIN.

Sunday morning, I cried through the entire church service. Mother's Day is more special to me than I ever thought it would be, and the Lord spoke to me through the message in more poignant a way than He has in a long while. And I sort-of got a revelation about this whole fertility battle. After so many months and years of disappointment after disappointment, you begin to develop this defense. Don't get your hopes up, you'll get hurt. Expect the worst. Protect yourself. And then I thought about these verses I memorized a long time ago: "Without faith, it is impossible to please God. For those who come to Him must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him." Wait, that goes against everything I've been feeling and doing. Expect the worst or hope for the best? Protect myself or step out in faith? Those verses always surprise me, because it shows us so much about the character of God. He doesn't want people praying to Him who don't believe in His goodness. The only 2 requirements He has are to believe that He exists and believe that He's a rewarder. Man, I've been struggling with that lately. Questioning God's character. Is He really good? Is He really faithful? Does He really care about me and my situation? Will He really come through for me? Yes. And I can't please God unless I come to Him believing that He is, and He does and He will.

So, last night I started getting excited. I told Zack that I was really going to get my hopes up this time, no holding back. I went to the store this morning and bought a pregnancy test (actually, 2) and came home and took them both. And even though my attitude had been so positive, the tests were not. And I could feel myself slipping back into this funk I've been in for months. And I didn't want to do anything today but go back to bed and wait for tomorrow to come. I know the truth. I know what I should feel and say and believe. But when you're in the middle of the trial, sometimes you just don't have any strength left to stand.

So, my laundry is piled high, and I didn't finish making dinner until 8:30 tonight. And I didn't go to soccer practice with Zack and the boys. And I didn't exercise, and I didn't feel like doing anything today. And I didn't. And now I'm feeling guilty for this funk I'm in again, but here I am. I remember a scripture that says, "And, having done all to stand, stand firm." Why does that sound so easy and feel so hard? All I want to do is give up this fight. Tired and weak from trying. I still haven't gotten my period yet, so I guess there's still hope that both those Dollar Tree pregnancy tests were wrong. But still, I know my hope should be in Him and not in whether or not I'm pregnant. 

Still, I struggle almost every day. Man, I used to feel like I didn't have much of a testimony, but after the last 10 years, I think I might be working on a good one. And perhaps soon I'll read over this post as I did today with my old posts about the boys and worrying about the adoption process, and wonder at God's goodness and perfect plans. They certainly aren't my plans, or anything close to what I'd planned for my life, but I have to believe that they are good plans. Plans not to harm me, but to prosper me and give me a hope. Hmmm...give me a HOPE. I like that.